who is diva muffin?

im freaking depressed
i just don't know what to do with my life
there are so many ppl that i have to please
but wtf?
why should i make them happy?
i think i should kill myself
then everyone would be happy

i went to the curve last saturday, looking for kak ya's baby shower present. anyway, me and sheffer bought kak ya this pillow/crib tilam where it has contour and can give better digestion to the baby. also, we bought her a blanket wrap yang stretchable so that he won't end up tangan weird like sheffer.

last weekend we spent saturday sunday at yana's place. we all went tgk cerita hantu! jangan pandang belakang. gile babi takut nak mati! huwaaa. mmg jgn pandang belakang betul betul ni! that will be the last time i will ever tgk cerita hantu. i still have trouble sleeping at night, which explains why i woke up late this morning and bile bangun this morning i thought nak mintak mc. hahaha. just because i woke up late, but then i decided to go to office sbb kononnya career woman lah ni, perasan also that i would become md/ceo one day. so, i crawled myself out of bed lah.

about me and him, he's not doing so good while im doing alright. got la sad sad but sometimes lah. notlah like all the time. most of the time i feel guilty and worried. im worried lah, actually. i hope he wont do anything stupid to himself. i just hope that he thinks about his future rather than be depressed memanjang. im also puzzled whether i should give him a second chance or not. some say yes, some say no. i don't know. eh mcm pantun kan?

some say yes
some say no
i dont know

aiyooyoo damn merepek already. its 914am and im at the office, waiting for my kapal to berth. my kapal named southern zebra sepatutnya dah sampai labuan, but i dont knw lah why so lambat today. ok, back to this kapal, i just emailed that fella. whylah no news about my southern zebra. this kapal kapal's name weird jugak la sometimes. there's southern atlas, ilis virgo, lucas, tristen and bla bla bla. i'm bored lah actually. there's nothing much to do. i have to wait for kapal and do some documentations when the kapal dah sampai.

okay, i have a plan. i'm going to make myself look busy and occupied. mcm banyak gile kapal sampai today lah konon ;)

I've been twisting and turning in a space that's too small
I've been drawing the line and watching it fall
You've been closing me in , closing the space in my heart
Watching us fading and watching us fall apart

Well I can't explain why it's not enough
Coz I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do

It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore

Oh, don't misunderstand how I feel
Coz I've tried, yes I've tried
Still I don't know why
No I don't know why

Why I can't explain why it's not enough
Coz I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do

It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore
The pieces don't fit anymore

You pulled me under so I had to give in
Such a beautiful mess that's breaking my skin
Well I'll hide all the bruises; I'll hide all the damage that's done
But I show how I'm feeling until all the feeling has gone

Well I can't explain why it's not enough
Coz I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do

It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore
The pieces don't fit anymore

empty and hollow inside.

that is how i feel at this moment. relationships are simple, but it's not easy. i wish we could turn time around and be happy again. h.a.p.p.y!

i want to concentrate on work and asmacko

work is alright. i'm enjoying every bit there. there's so many things that i don't know and i keep asking them with stupid question, i feel like they're annoyed.

asmacko is great. i'm so excited that we made it into the newspaper. though it's a malay surat khabar but it's alright. we have a lot of plans to expand asmacko, but since we're busy we might put it on hold. i hope we can find chains asap.

there are so many things on my mind. my head is spinning and i feel like ada org tgh main drum lagu the killers la!!

i don't feel the happyness of 'us' anymore. it frustrates me that i don't feel the way i felt for him. i have been feeling this way for the past 4-5 months maybe. i hope it'll change someday.

there are so many things that i want but unfortunately i don't have the moola. i need some moola desperately. i need to get a few things done for today

1. pick up the girls
2. medical check-up for scuba diving divemaster
3. top-up touch and go
4. decide if i want to buy the tan shoe
5. go get the tan shoe if i can make up my mind
6. send shirt for dry cleaning
7. alter pants to work tomorrow
8. pay phone bills
9. submit medical check-up and photo

phew! that is sure something for today, and surely i need the damn money to get things going. how am i supposed to all that with only rm10 in my purse?

i need to get ready. lulu is going to finish teaching soon. sorry lulu!

how did i come up with the name lulu?

there are many things in life that i dream of having.

last weekend i stepped into an amazing gorgeous condo. i was amazed and speechless when i walked into that condo. i felt like i was in some other country. it was my dream house. i can't stop talking about that place the whole night. i told everyone i know about that place. it was like i met ethan hawke at subang parade. i can't stop thinking about it. i dreamt about having that place by the age of 25. to stay there and have sleepovers with my girlfriends. waking up in the morning in that gorgeous condo. i had a vision of myself happily staying in that place. reality check, if i were to buy that 1.4 million condo, i would eat stones for the rest of my life starting tomorrow. reality check, i would never ever afford that kind of house. it all came to me when a friend of mine checked on the internet the price of that condo. my dream came to an end the moment i knew that house is worth 1.4 million. that is the reality!

two of my girlfriends are not talking to each other for the past 3 years (i think!) or more than that. i can't remember. each day i hear their name, look at them, i have a bit tiny hope that they might talk to each other one day and things would be as they were before. i have no idea why it happened. it happened suddenly, out of nowhere and poof, they were not talking to each other. my tiny little hope were there for a long time as i could remember, but the reality is that, they will never talk to each other again and things would not be as they were before. it is not i have given up hope to these two amazing people, i'm just letting go everything negative feelings that i have kept inside of me. those negative thoughts i have about you, i apologize. i don't need to express anything negative about you anymore as i have let go of the past. people move on, i need to move on. it's not like i hate you or what, i still love you as my friend. but it seems that you have found better friends, friends that have the same wavelength as yours. friends that think like you, talk like you, or friends that are friends that you wish you had with us. i'm deeply sorry that we are just the way we are. we don't talk about why we break up with our boyfriends. we dont talk about 'stuff' like that. it's not that we don't want to, it's just better to keep it to ourselves. i still love you and will be your bestfriend forever you want me to be. until you decide not to talk to me, i guess. but i will always be there for you no matter what, because you have always stood by me when things are rough. it's just i'm letting you go and i'm moving on as a better person. the reality is, you both will never talk to each other and i will have to adjust myself to love both of you.

i know usually everyone will make their resolution on the 1st of January, but i have decided to make my own resolution on the 1st of March. i have decided to cut down on my smoking habit, to pray more, and most of all to have a pure heart. i don't want to be any close or even slightest bit to an evil person's behaviour. i will stop talking about other people. i will stop teasing my friend about how she's always with her mini skirt. i will stop being rude to other people. i know sometimes i just say whatever i want without thinking other people's feeling. i know sometimes i can be quite a bitch. i will try my best not to be that girl anymore. i stop having grudges over the things that i know i can't repair. as said by my bestfriend's dad, 'a person who resembles satan is a person who are greedy and jealous of it's own people'. i will not be that person. i will let whatever people want to say or do to me and only God will punish them. i just want to be a better person.

don't worry, i won't turn out to be ustazah or some penceramah agama, girls! if you are reading this, don't freak out.

i just got slapped by REALITY!

goodnight, im going to sleep now.

there are so many things that i want! want or need? i need! i need a black handbag, tan colour shoe, black skirt, grey handbag, and the list goes on and on..

gosh! i wish i can just pluck some leaves and pay for all those things. like my mum's favourite saying 'ingat duit dtg dari pokok ke? boleh petik daun pastu bayar'.

today is my dad's birthday. he is already 51 years old. wowww.. we surprised him with a cake, he was sleeping on his osim chair when we got back. so me and my sisters decided to surprise him. we went into his room and sang happy birthday song. when the song ended, all he said was 'dah tua dah ye'. we sat there and laugh when he said that. he was sleeping, we surprised him with a cake, and all he can say is that. hahahhaha. i can't imaging myself 51 years old. can't imagine and refuse to imagine.

i just finished baking almost 150 muffins. actually, i just sat there and eat. my sister who was the one who baked it. mmmm.. i love muffin! i think i just ate about 10 muffins. i can feel the butter and chocolate chip.. mmm.. yummy!

This is my space and i can write whatever the fuck i like, so its my fucking problem!

I think you're a liar, a fake person, hypocrite, schizophrenic!

schiz·o·phre·ni·a

1. Psychiatry. Also called dementia praecox. a severe mental disorder characterized by some, but not necessarily all, of the following features: emotional blunting, intellectual deterioration, social isolation, disorganized speech and behavior, delusions, and hallucinations.
2. a state characterized by the coexistence of contradictory or incompatible elements.

I'm not sure whether i can trust whatever you say anymore. I'm not even sure if I wanna talk to you anymore. Not at this moment. I don't fucking know who you are anymore. Who are fuck are you anyway? I don't think I will be able to face you. I don't even feel like looking at your pathetic face anymore. I can't stand you fucking bitch around about ppl when you yourself are having personal disorder and mental disorder. Go get help! Please lah wey, I'm begging you!

I'm not sure whether I can trust you. I don't even know if this is a show you. This whole thing, maybe it's just a comedy for you. You play around with feelings. Treat us as though we're some piece of shit. You fucking lie in front of our face. You actually have the guts to do that. Fucking lie straight to our face. Do you think we are that stupid! We may act stupid in front of you. We may seem that the stupidest person on earth. You might think that we are not the best out of the bunch. But we did that on purpose, we did this because we don't think you deserve it. You don't deserve it!!! You don't deserve to know anything!!!!!

oihrejbrefwkq;dlmscv, jngrif3ijo2knmwefhdv mc'cx;/d.jwdiw

You're sick and you need professional's help.

Who are you?

i had a dream that i shouldn't have had in the first place.

to me, a dream is only a dream. but, what if..there's a hidden meaning to it. obviously what i dreamt about was no good to me or my relationship. i shouldn't have! but how the fuck do i control my dreams. i wish i was dreaming and everything was real, in a way i would be glad and happy it happened. but this bullshit of only having a dream pissed me off. what's the point having a dream when it's only a dream. if my dreams were true, i would move on with my life. that is the only thing that holding me back from moving on. it's like a tumor inside me that spreading a cancer. only its not a tumor. but when tumor can be deadly, that how i feel about this thing. should i go for kimo or should i just live and enjoy life with the tumor. i don't know. the thing is, if it's a tumor then ill figure out then but since its not, it is deadly and works the same way tumor works. huargh! wtf.. maybe i just want to know what if this, what if that, there's a lot of what if here in my mind.

what the fuck!!

i miss this place..




and i miss diving too..

at this very minute, i have been awake for 36 hours.

what i have been doing for the last 36 hours?
went to photostate shop, breakfast roti canai, job hunt, dinner with boyfriend, watch 17 episodes of ALIAS season 5, follow luna for her job interview, breakfast at dome, follow luna for her second interview, job hunt again, dinner with mom and dad, coffee with lolita, watch grey's anatomy, watch prison break, now here i am..

i drank dozens of coffee for the last 36 hours. my eyes are about to shut but my brain is still active. i have blocked nose from this stupid sinus. i have been coughing like an idiot.

i don't have a life!

i suck!

how does it work?

like every couple i know, when both of them first met each other, it was obvious that both of them liked each other but what stands between them is her boyfriend or his girlfriend. but will that stop them from being friends, i mean how bad could it be? they were only be friends. but it turned bad. period.

what are the limits to a friendship? i've always believe in fate. if you are meant to be then you are meant to be. but do you have anything got to do with fate. do you decide your own destiny or you just let it lead your life? the last time i remember, they were very much in love. but later on, things change. priorities changed. whenever something bad happens between a couple, excuses that he is not that, he is not this. everything he did was never good enough. i think excuses are just merely to make a person feel good. you know when you don't feel like going to class and you will come up with excuses where 'sakit kepala' or 'sakit perut', and you keep on saying that for the whole day and by the end of the day you really have a headache. i used to do that when i was in primary school, if i don't feel like going to school, i'll act sick and tell my mom that i'm having a headache. by the end of the day, i was really having a headache. i do think it applies to relationship as well. if you keep on saying that he is like this, she is like that, he does this, she does that. all the 1001 excuses you can give just to cover the problems and run away from it. it will happen because you believe all of that. it is sort of a psychology thingy. for instance, i'm suppose to rest from my operation which i had the other day, because my mom said that i was not well and i should not be walking around. i do think if i sit on my bed doing nothing all day, i will be convinced that i am sick. whereas, if i act as though i never had an operation and just live my life normally, i will get better sooner. make sense? wtf?

like my normal friday, i usually have plans for that friday night or for that weekend. unfortunately, i ended up in a hospital.

i went for a check-up on friday morning as my mom had already made an appointment with our family doctor. so i went to see her and told her about the growth and she insisted on further check-up. on top of that, she diagnosed me with bronchitis and she wants me to admit for observation.

anyhoo, i was admitted for 1 day. my boyfriend came to visit me. luna and lolita came and we went to mamak for a while. then me, luna and lolita wanted to play scrabble, and according to superpistol its a hospital board game, but was interrupted by my relatives who came to visit me.

the next morning, the nurse came and woke me up because i had to go for an operation. it was damn early. 730 am and i was half asleep and half awake, but the closer i get to the operation room, i got scared. i was alone all the time, nobody slept with me in the hospital. so when i woke up and had to go for the operation i was all alone. i told the nurse i wanted to call my mom first but she said that we are late for the operation so we had to go without my mom. i was scared the whole time and also excited. it was like grey's anatomy thingy for me. i know it sounds weird. anyway, before i got into the operation, my mom arrived. so we sat there and i called luna, which she didn't pick up. then i called lolita before the operation. my boyfriend was having his english exam, so can't talk to him. since it was only a minor operation, the doctor took only 30 minutes to take out the 'thing' out of my leg. to my surprise, the doctor did not know what it is, and they had to send it to the lab.

everything is fine now. i'm at home and i can't move much because yesterday night i was walking here and there and the next thing i know, my wound was bleeding. so yea, i can't move much and today i just sat on my bed facing my computer or watch tv.

B-O-R-I-N-G!

selamat hari raya!
i wanna take this opportunity to apologize for what i've done wrong or said things that hurt your feelings. hope all of you enjoy your hari raya!

anyway, for my raya we drove back for 7 hours to my kampung to raya with my mamatok and papatok. it was alright. ok ok only for me. i didn't feel raya this time. i don't know why. maybe because im 22 and i can't go running around playing mercun with my little cousins. the thing is, i didn't feel anything during raya, especially first day of raya. i think i did not even smile the whole day. now that i think back, yeaaa.. i was moody the whole day. did not talk to anyone. slept after lunch. hmm.. thats about it. woww! what a raya. second day raya was the same. i don't know! fuck off!!! what's wrong with me? under depression.

whatever our decision in life will leave an impact on others. without realising all of this happening in my surrounding, does this put me in a situation where im living unconciously?

inside, im a very angry person that needs anger management theraphy badly. this rage underneath this innocent face is unbearable and its only waiting for the right moment to explode. this rage has been inside myself for years.

unconciously, im doing things that will give consequences on others. im trying to live in happily which most of the time i do live happily, but there are times especially when im all alone that i get so angry thinking things that i shouldn't be thinking or should not be worried about. there are things that when you think about it, it's not worth to worry and it brings nothing significant to my life. so what the fuck should i worry?

'i feel like dying', 'i wanna kill myself' has been part of my life. literally, i want to kill myself, but i don't want to die. maybe i've been living unconciously all this while. at times, i don't even remember what i did last month or the year before that. part of my brain just died. maybe i am living unconciously, maybe i'm not.

it is always an issue for me whether should i tell abu bin polan that his girlfriend is cheating on him, but the girlfriend is my friend. get what i mean? he is my friend and she is my friend. what she is doing now is absolutely wrong but is it my business to get involve in their relationship? they have been going out for almost two years. they met because of me, i mean, i introduced her to him, i knew this is bound to happen when i introduced her to abu bin polan because she has always been the type that needs attention from the boyfriend, but for the past 1 year he was busy with his course. in this matter, where do i stand? do i tell him that she has been going out with this guy for almost 6 months and she has been lying to him for the past 6 months, or do i just mind my own business?

on the other hand, we came back from our holiday and started to do our business thingy that we discussed during the holiday. it's going on great and i'm so excited to do things with the girls. i'm excited that we sold our stuff already. i'll update about that more once it's done..

at this very moment, we are at lulu's place playing scrabble. it's now lulu's turn and she's trying to bolot all the marks. hahahha love u lulu..

woke up late today and went to kayu kandar's place somewhere i don't know the name. wait ya..its my turn..

holiday is fun u know..i love travelling!!

holiday, holiday, holiday~especially when ure with the girls that you love dearly. doing nothing is fun. i don't really care if we just sit down and do nothing, as long as we are together here in lulu's house. but my only worry is that it's cold here. i think i'll survive with lulu's jacket. thanks lulu..